The Influence of Societal Portrayals in Relationship Closure.
As a relationship therapist, I often hear stories of love, loss, and the arduous journey to find closure after a relationship breakup. One common sentiment I encounter is the pressure to "move on" in ways society deems fit. Whether it's outside advice insisting on a rebound relationship or taking a long vacation, the external suggestions are endless.
I’ve noticed three common relationship closure themes from clients in therapy — the Timeline Pressure Myth, the Grand Gesture Syndrome, and the Ultimate Conversation Myth. These myths are largely products of cultural and societal norms that have been amplified and perpetuated by media portrayals.
Understanding Relationship Closure.
First, let me define closure. Closure, in therapeutic terms, refers to a sense of finality and acceptance at the end of a relationship. When people speak of wanting "closure," they typically mean they desire an understanding, a resolution, or the ability to move past something that has been emotionally troubling or unresolved. It's the emotional settling of accounts, allowing one to move forward without excess baggage and making room for new beginnings.
Key aspects of closure include:
Acceptance: Acknowledging that the relationship is truly over and that there's no possibility of reconciliation.
Understanding: Gaining clarity about why the relationship ended, even if it's not a perfectly satisfying explanation.
Forgiveness: Letting go of anger, resentment, or blame, both towards your ex-partner and yourself.
Peace: Feeling emotionally settled and no longer consumed by thoughts of the relationship or the breakup.
Release: Letting go of the emotional attachment and expectations you had for the relationship.
The Weight of Media Narratives on Closure
Society, through social media, literature, and movies frequently illustrates a “standard” path to relationship closure. This 21st century romanticized depiction often shapes how individuals process breakups and the steps they believe are necessary to move on after a relationship breakup. There are three common depictions we often see in media that set unrealistic expectations for how closure should occur.
The Timeline Pressure
Movies and TV shows love a good breakup-to-bounce-back story that cram emotional journeys into neat, 90-minute packages. The montage of tears, pizza-fueled nights, and self-discovery conveniently condensed into a TV episode glosses over the messy reality of grief, introspection, and emotional rebuilding. While these narratives offer escapism and entertainment, feeling pressured to meet this fictional timeline can be incredibly damaging.
Under the influence of these lightning-fast recoveries, we begin to believe that closure should be a quick fix, a neatly tied-up package at the end of Act Three. This pressure to bounce back can be crippling. We judge ourselves harshly if our own healing journey unfolds at a different pace, slower and messier than the ones we see on screen. This internalized expectation can breed anxiety and shame, adding fuel to the emotional fire of a breakup.
But the truth is, healing is not a linear process with a set deadline. It's a personal journey, as unique and messy as the relationship itself. Some may find solace quickly, while others need more time and space to process their emotions. Don’t compare your pace to fictional characters.
The Grand Gesture Syndrome
Historically, literature and folklore have often celebrated grand gestures in love stories. Media often suggests that closure requires a significant act or gesture, like traveling the world or making a dramatic declaration. Movies like "Eat, Pray, Love" or "Under the Tuscan Sun" emphasize transformative journeys post-breakup, suggesting that a change of scenery or sudden major lifestyle change is the sole key to healing.
While travel can be a valuable tool, it's not a substitute for internal emotional work and healing because it doesn't necessarily address the deeper emotional causes of a breakup. Ultimately, genuine closure comes from within, through self-reflection, processing emotions, and accepting the end of the relationship.
Grand gestures often also involve privilege. Most people can not afford a life-altering trip due to financial constraints, family responsibilities or time limitations. Most of us do not have the luxury of escaping reality through a grand gesture though me may desperately long for it. This desire for a grand gesture can create feelings of frustration, inadequacy, or hopelessness, intensifying emotional struggles.
Instead of chasing external markers of closure, focus on the internal work to find peace, acceptance, and the strength to move forward. Explore your emotions and invest in daily self-care acts. Your journey to closure is unique, and it doesn't require a grand entrance fee.
The Ultimate Conversation Myth
Our brains crave tidy endings, especially after a breakup. That's why the "Ultimate Conversation" myth holds so much allure: the idea of one perfect talk with your ex, tears and apologies exchanged, leaving you with closure and peace. Numerous media narratives showcase the "final conversation" between exes suggesting that this is the pivotal moment of closure like in “500 Days of Summer” or "La La Land." But media portrayals of such conversations are far removed from messy reality.
Pursuing this myth can be a trap. Obsessively seeking "one last talk" can delay healing and make you dependent on your ex for closure. Real-life final conversations are rarely picture-perfect. Closure conversations are often messy, awkward, and leave things unresolved.
Connect with the power resides within you. There are many healthy ways to move forward, with or without that final chat. Explore internal avenues for peace and trust that you can move on, one step at a time, even if the dialogue remains unfinished.
Developing Your Path to Realtionship Closure.
Taking charge of your healing journey after a relationship ends means creating a path to closure that resonates with your personal experiences and emotional needs. It's about traveling a healing process that is uniquely yours, respecting your individual pace and preferences.
To avoid falling into a closure myth, consider these strategies for developing your own unique path to closure:
Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions that come with a breakup, whether it's sadness, anger, disappointment, or confusion. Don't suppress or deny these feelings.
Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Talk to a friend, family member, or other trusted person who can help you process your emotions and gain a new perspective on your breakup.
Reflect on the lessons you can take away from the relationship. What did you learn about yourself, your needs, and your expectations? Use this knowledge to make informed choices in future relationships.
Engage in therapy or counseling, where you can discuss your feelings, process the loss and learn to let go in a safe environment.
Make time for the things that you enjoy and that make you happy. This is a time to focus on your own needs and goals.
Don't dwell on the past or fixate on what could have been. Instead, focus on the present moment and make positive choices that contribute to your well-being and personal growth.
Remember, there's no one-size-fits-all approach to closure. It's essential to recognize that the idea of closure in popular culture, can sometimes create more problems and slow the pace of your healing.
MIRROR MOMENTS
1) In what ways have societal stories influenced your personal expectations of closure?
2) What does true closure look like for you, independent of external pressures or expectations?
3) How can you actively participate in crafting your unique narrative of healing and closure?
If you're struggling to cope with your breakup on your own, let us help you move forward. Request a session and get help for your own unique closure journey.
